And Then the Servants Were the Only Sane Ones Left
by Tyki075
Summary: Pandora Hearts included, it was just too awesome for this site to handle. CRACK FIC where Break pops out of everything, Lavi breaks a wall, Sebastian loses his mind, the chandelier is swung on, four are left dead, and the servants are very very scared. Co-authored by Vetus199914. Read at your own peril! Tyki/Allen, Gil/Oz, MINOR Allen/Lizzie, and sort of Lizzie/Ciel.


**DISCLAIMER: Neither of us own, Pandora Hearts, D. Gray-man, or Black Butler, if we did we would be rolling in money and cackling at all the poor people.**

**A/N: Hello, Tyki075 here! Vetus199914 is also here but I'm the one typing this up so, MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! **

**Vetus: "Awww Gecko-chan, you're so mean!"**

**Tyki075: "Shut up! You, from here on out, are forbidden to use your stupid, demeaning, nickname for me in this fanfiction, you little shit!"**

**Vetus: "Three things, one, I'm three years older than you, so I'm certainly not little! Two, Pwfsh, yeah right!*bites arm of Tyki075* (Tyki075: "Ouch! *mutters* bitch") And three, I just traded Death Note manga rights for the right to call you Gecko-chan without complaint for the next week! **

**Tyki075: I'm starting to regret my decision. **

**Vetus: Well, fuck nut, too bad, the deal has been struck!**

**Tyki075: God damn you! Now back to our original, informative, A/N, we came up with this story while we were camping and were so very bored, we had to be to come up with ****_this. _****It takes place in the more recent chapters of Black Butler but you don't need to know anything and there are only very minor spoilers (like, VERY minor), takes place somewhere in the beginning of Pandora Hearts and has some spoilers if you haven't seen past episode six, which you seriously should have if you're reading this (unless you're only here for D. Gray-man and Black Butler, in that case, hope you don't mind a slight spoiler which you should be able to guess on sight of the character), and after Allen gets Crown Clown in D. Gray-man (if you haven't yet reached that point consider stopping here unless you don't want a pretty big spoiler, though I guess, it's really not mentioned except for once and it's not explained so, I guess, you'll be fine if you keep reading) Also, please don't flame, if you do, I promise you, we'll rise from the ashes like phoenixes and use your flames to burn a certain exorcist alive (*cough cough* Chaoji *cough cough* though no one would miss him AT ALL! Even if no flames appear we'll still burn him alive and we will record his screams and listen to them as we go to sleep every night). Slight warning, there is complete insanity ahead, behind, above, to the sides, and below. There you have it, you've been warned so let's get on with it! Wait, any parting words Vetus?**

**Vetus: Good luck everyone! If you come out scarred don't come crying to me!**

**Tyki075: And on that happy note, let's begin.**

It all started with the werewolf miasma, Ciel had gotten sick and turned into a wimpy, whiny, little shit. Though, he was scared of Sebastian, the butler was still forced to do pointless shit and, let's just say, he was not pleased.

"I can't take it anymore!" Sebastian yelled at the other servants.

Baldroy, Mey-rin, and Finny just stared at the usually composed man.

"I have been forced into slavery by that fuck nut! And now he's going soft! You have no idea the shit I've been through! First, I have to rebuild the manor in minutes and afterwards what does he do?! He yells at me, he fucking yells at me! Then I have to learn to cook and teach that brat shit he should already know how to do! And he repays my trouble with pouring scalding hot tea in my hands! After that, I had to collect and deal with you idiots! I bet he hired you, not just for protection and because jobs had to be filled (though you never do them anyways, and when you try, you fail), but to piss me off! He makes me protect him and catch bullets with my head! And he scolds me for not getting there sooner! Plus, he can't do shit! He can't even dress himself! And _he_ calls _me_ incompetent! Plus all the fighting and injuries! Thanks to him, I've had my fucking arm cut off! Not to mention the fact that I now have a cross-dressing reaper, who wants to fuck me, on my ass! Plus another one that has a stick so far up his ass that when he burps he can taste the fucking bark, wants my head on his hedge clippers that he calls a scythe! All for the sake of revenge! What a stupid, sucky, shitty, childish, wish! I'm a demon for Satan's sake, THIS IS JUST DEMEANING, I CAN DO SO MUCH MORE!" Sebastian rants at the poor servants who are under the assumption that the butler has completely lost his mind.

"A-are you okay Sebastian?" Finny stutters hesitantly.

Sebastian slowly turns his head to the small girlish gardener and growls, "Do you _think_ I'm okay you worthless human?"

Finny hinds behind Baldroy who stutters, "A-are-aren't you a human too?"

Sebastian switched his gaze to the trembling cook, "No you fuck nut! How have you not guessed by now?! Have you _seen_ me work?! What ignorant fucks you all are!" His eyes had turned into his weird demon eyes.

"Mister Sebastian has gone crazy, yes he has!" Mey-rin cried.

"DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON YOU! YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF HUMAN SCUM! AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAID!"

The poor woman also hid behind Baldroy and her small frame was racked with small sobs. All three servants had now begun to back slowly into a corner, away from the ranting demon.

"I'M DONE WITH THIS JOB!" Sebastian yelled as he stalked into Ciel's room.

Sadly for Sebastian, and thankfully for Ciel, Sebastian waited until _after _the contract was complete until he ate his soul, needless to say, the servants did their best to avoid the co-worker after this incident.

Sebastian had finally swallowed that little brat's soul and, let's just say, he was less than pleased.

"This... is... the... _worst_ soul... I have... EVER TASTED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Sebastian choked as he started to pace around the dinning room, waving his arms, and ranting about the little shit, who was chuckling in the afterlife.

The servants were once again in the corner, staring warily at the man stalking in circles in front of them.

Suddenly, a man popped out from under the table. he had bluish hair covering one eye, a childish grin on his face, a somewhat demented air around him, and a lollipop in his mouth, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!"

"What the fuck! Where did you even come from!?" All three servants yelled at the stranger. (Sebastian was now huddled in the corner cackling to himself and muttering incoherent insults under his breath about his former charge.)

"I came from nowhere!" The stranger chuckled proudly.

The servants were about to reply when Lizzie stalked in, sobbing about the loss of her fiance. Suddenly, a very fat man with a top hat and the largest grin on his stupid face, appeared out of nowhere and said, "Do you want me to bring him back for you?"

"Will you do that?" Lizzie sobbed.

"Of cou... wait," The man realized exactly where he was and who he just offered to bring back, "Never mind, I seriously don't want that little shit in my ranks! He doesn't even deserve to be an Akuma, plus, no doubt he'd try to over throw me!"

Lizzie got a cold look on her face and grabbed two glowing green swords. She then proceeded to _stab _the fat man, who was, in fact, the Millennium Earl. This attack didn't kill him but the sword that removed his head from his shoulders certainly did.

"Hahahaha! Take that you fat shit!" A very triumphant Allen Walker screamed as he kicked the body of the Earl.

"What the hell just happened?" Finny squeaked, pulling the coffee machine closer to him as the Earl's murderers skipped happily off into the sunset, though Allen seemed a bit reluctant.

"No clue." The stranger, more commonly known as Xerxes Break (or "that damn clown") said as he popped out of the coffee machine.

The startled boy dropped the machine and retreated back to the corner he had emerged from.

A muffled, "Ow," was heard from Break.

A green haired lady magically appeared on the chandelier, hanging from her legs, which were covered by glowy green boots, "Have you seen a white-haired short kid around here." She asked as she swung over a ranting Sebastian who was saying something along the lines of, "Who knew his soul tasted bad?"

A red haired chain saw wielding tranny, Grelle Sutcliff, appeared and said, "I, for one, thought everyone knew that my dear Bassy!" as he chased the butler around the room.

A huge crash was heard and dust flooded the room.

A giant black thing was in the wall when everyone looked over, a person seemed to be riding it, they had red hair and an eye patch, with a bandanna, he was wearing similar attire to Allen Walker and the woman, currently swinging from the lighting, AKA, Lenalee Lee, "Have you seen a white haired moyashi around here?" The man asked.

"Geez Lavi, I just asked that!" Lenalee said, not bothering to stop swinging.

"NO!" The three servants exclaimed.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure we have." Break said, emerging from the china hutch against the wall, "He cut off fatso's head and ran off with the young chick." He said, pointing to the Earl's corpse.

"Oh, Allen succeeded than. Took him long enough." Lavi said, also swinging from the chandelier, "Hey Yu! The war's over!" He yelled to a girly samurai know as Yu Kanda.

"Che," Kanda scoffed, turning his head away from his comrades, "Baka Usagi."

A short girl with brown hair, Alice, storms into the room through the hole in the wall, courtesy of Lavi, dragging Oz Vessalius and Gilbert Nightray behind her, "DAMN CLOWN! ARE YOU IN HERE?!" She yelled.

"Are you talking about me?" Allen said, having returned while Lavi was climbing onto the chandelier.

"What? No, old man!" Alice said.

"Excuse me? I'm not old! I'm sixteen!" Allen yelled indignantly.

"Well, you sure do look it!" Alice retorted.

"Fuck you!" Allen exclaimed as he nearly hit Sebastian in the head with his hands.

"Are you still looking for me?" Break asked, swinging from Lavi and Lenalee's arms on the chandelier.

"Where the hell were you?" Gil asked.

"Here, there, the coffee pot." Break said calmly as Finny shuddered in the corner.

"Allen, we need to get back to our wedding preparations!" Lizzie said, tugging on said boy's sleeve while admiring her new ring.

"WEDDING PREPARATIONS!? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" A tall man yelled as he burst through the window, he had grey skin, seven crosses across his forehead, gold eyes, and a top hat, he seemed to be carrying a spiky haired corpse.

"Oh shit." Allen muttered as he saw his boyfriend, Tyki Mikk burst in and stab his fiance, killing her.

"Lizzie goes down!" Break laughed from the chandelier.

"Hey, is that Chaoji?" Lenalee asked, pointing to the corpse in Tyki's hands.

"Yes, yes it is. I killed him, what you gonna do about it bitches?" Tyki smirked.

"Oh thank God! Praise the new lord, Tyki Mikk!" Allen sobbed on his hands and knees, kissing Tyki's shoes.

"Hail Tyki Mikk!" Lenalee and Lavi chanted from their spot on the chandelier while they swung about Break with renewed enthusiasm.

Kanda gave a slight, "Che" in agreement.

"Um, not quite what I was expecting." Tyki said, tossing the corpse on the pile of dead people. (A/N Okay, so our body count is, one, Ciel Phantomhive. Two, The Millennium Earl. Three, Elizabeth Midford. And four, Filth, you know who I'm talking about, I won't dirty my fingers and your eyes further by typing his name out right now.)

Suddenly a giant candle burst out of the floor, a spiky blue haired, grey skinned, cross bearing, golden eyed, girl seemed to be riding it.

Taking no note of this, Tyki and Allen then proceed to have a wedding in the corner, opposite of the servants who were now crying while clutching each other close.

"How dare you marry my Allen Tyki-pon!" Rhode Kamelot said as she jumped off her candle and ran at the couple but was hit over the head with a fist belonging to Alice who said, "Hey! I want to see this bitch, don't interfere!" Alice then went back to what she was doing, leaving an unconscious Rhode on the floor.

Lenalee, Lavi, and Break were still swinging on the chandelier while Sebastian was being chased around the room by an over-enthusiastic, Grelle.

Oz, Alice, and Gil watched the spectacle in shock (and amusement on Alice's part).

The whole scene, if you could call it that, ended a bit like this, Allen and Tyki were, how do I put this, "going at it" on the table, Alice was watching in complete awe and appreciation while Gil half-heartedly tried to stop her while passionately kissing Oz, Lenalee, Lavi, and Break were still swinging on the chandelier, Sebastian and Grelle were playing "cat and mouse", the dead were still dead (thank God, in Filth's case) , Kanda stood in the middle of the room "Che"ing at it all, Rhode was still on the floor, unconscious and the servants were pretty damn certain they were the only sane ones left in the room and the others were past redemption.

The End

**A/N: Hey, you made it to the end! Hats off to you, my friend! I can't say I'm not surprised that you're still here!**

**Vetus: I congratulate you on your, supposed, intact sanity! I'd also like to mention that the only character that we hate with a burning passion is Filth, we actually quite like Lizzie, she just had to die for the sake of Poker Pair, Ciel is my favorite character (Tyki075: "Mine's Bassy! Yay!"), and The Millennium Earl is... interesting.**

**Tyki075: Everyone is just SO OOC in this, and for that I apologize but it's a CRACK FIC, you should have expected no less. If anyone was insulted by anything in this, I sincerely apologize, we did not mean to offend anyone. Again, if you flame anything or are a general dick or accuse us of anything we just justified we will laugh mercilessly at your stupidity. Have a nice day and don't let the metaphorical door hit you on the way out. We, by "we", I mean I, will be back soon with more posts on When Demigods Meet Exorcists... Hopefully.**

**Vetus: Che, self promoting much?**

**Tyki075: Shut up! I need all the views, favorites, follows, and reviews I can get! Don't judge!**

**Vetus: My dear Gecko-chan it is ****_far_**** too late for no judging.**

**Tyki075: Whatever, (to viewers) see you later! Tyki075 out! *walks away, slamming the door behind her***

**Vetus: Wait for me! *ruins dramatic exit by slipping and falling through the door* Ow. *door slams closed***

***Silence***

**Characters: Are they gone yet?**

**Tyki075: *pulls a "Break" and pops out of the sofa cushions* Shut the fuck up!**

**Vetus: Get back here! *pulls back***

**Tyki075: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo *slowly sinks down dramatically***

**Characters: (To viewers) Thanks for reading! Come back soon if you think you can handle it! Bye!**


End file.
